After a long break I managed to access this 'blog once again.....

I had spent a long while trying to access this 'blog but the main email I used to have is long gone.

So after some poking about I managed to recover the access.  My fear was that I would lose access to this page forever and it simply disappear once again.  Hopefully not.

I have over the last few years been editing the text of the blog into something less wieldy so it is easier to read.  I have also added various anecdotal tales of during and after Fred's life as everything slowly unfolded.  I have titled it "In The Custody Of Angels" - being a nod toward the nurses who cared for him and also where ever he is now.

Whether I will finish it I know not but it provided some focus for me particularly during lockdown.

Heidi and Wilf go from strength to strength.  Heidi is 13 now and at secondary school.  She really loves her art and not only excels at manual art but also digital art too.  Some of her work in that area are particularly amazing.

Wilf is approaching 11 early next year and again is loving his school and learning.  Bit of a sea change there he is good.  His wit and exceptional knowledge of various topics is quite astounding at times.

Anyway this is a test run really.  Funny because I had occasion to re-visit the site today after a long absence.  I had made contact with the Anthony Nolan Trust on a query and which led me back to here.

And what am I doing?  I was in local government until late 2016 where I changed direction and worked in two primary schools for 2 academic years and then was "called" back to local government.  Still living in Torbay I worked in my old home county of Somerset for over 2 years and now work in Greater London happily.  Working from home has its benefits and means I can go where the work is and the jobs are more varied and challenging.  My current job means that I can be in central London doing the sights and having a meal in the sun in Covent Garden on one day before getting up the following day to do a days work.

Nine years on...

Today is nine years on from “Day 1” which is when we arrived at Bristol Royal Children’s Hospital and we did not have a clue that 302 days later we would be in hospital still.

“Day 0” was yesterdays equivalent when we turned up at Torbay’s Louisa Carey Ward thinking not a lot was to happen after the GP’s referral.

Walking down the hill from dropping Heidi off at school this morning was a marked contrast to where we were at in 2006.  Today I wondered if this ‘blog had been deleted through inactivity and the passage of time and was pleased to still see it evident on the web, hence me posting on Face Book about how times fly.....

Heidi is seven now and doing very well at school.  She is looking forward to the summer holidays which loom, and going out cycling with Rachel.  I eventually got around to mending Heidi’s numerous punctures.  Even my bike has had new inner tubes this weekend and is ready to roll.

Wilf is 4 ½ now and is just getting to finish his pre-schooling next week.  He starts at Heidi’s school next term and yesterday went in for a couple of hours to see what it was like.  We did not get reports of any problems and it appears he palled up with two little ones – Danny and Charlie.  It will be very interesting to see how Wilf gets on at school as he is quite independent and spent a fair amount of time with Rachel who works from home.

Wilf is also to start very soon with a local child minder who lives in the village and he has taken a shine to her, and her little boy.  Hopefully this will give him more experience away from home with other people and give Rachel some more time back for herself.

We moved just over three years ago from Paignton to the village and the kids have a lovely garden in which to play safely.  This weekend saw them in the paddling pool with Emily most of the day whilst Rachel and I went out.  Wilf stayed in the longest and reluctantly got out later with chattering teeth.  A warm bath drew him out of his pool, back inside the house.

So much has happened in the last nine years in some ways and in other ways very little else has changed.

Heidi and Wilf regularly talk about Freddie and Wilf recognises his photograph. She regularly tells her school friends about him and seems comfortable with the whole scenario.  When my dad died in March of this year Heidi went out that evening and pointed up to Freddie’s twinkling star, and then saw another one, much brighter, and said “look Daddy – granddad is up there now!”

It has been some considerable time since I last posted an
entry on Fred’s blog. A friend of mine,
Katy Graham, is raising funds for CLIC by running the London marathon this year. Hopefully through people being more aware of
the great work CLIC does, it will mean that Katy can raise as much money as
possible – and spur her on to make the 26+ miles through the capital. That is some doing and good luck to her. I (and some other friends) abseiled down the children’s
hospital in Bristol although that only took a few minutes and I was aided
greatly by gravity, so no stamina or training was required, unlike a marathon.

Reading through some or all of my ‘blog should give you an
insight in to the good work that CLIC do for ordinary people, like our family,
who unexpectedly need their assistance at the drop of a hat. The ‘blog does go on a bit in places so it
may take a while to find the CLIC related information.

Fred would have been six this year in May and he would have
started school proper last year too. Time
has passed so quickly but it still seems like yesterday that Fred was with
us. His little grave in the church yard
in Chagford is regularly visited, trimmed and tidied up. In the spring the birds pick at the moss to
make their nests, although at the moment slugs and snails seem especially
prevalent in attacking the wreaths and flowers placed there. There is fox-run by the side of him, which
runs down on to the lane below. Over in
the distance you can see Castle Drogo across the valley so he has a good view
from there.

His little sister Heidi, who will be four in May, also takes
great pleasure in making sure her brothers windmills run smoothly. She started pre-school in September last year
and enjoys this very much for her 2 ½ days a week. Her learning and social skills have developed
well, even though at home she can be a real pest and somewhat domineering….. She is due to start school in September of
this year and she talks about Freddie a lot, even though she never met her
older brother, knowing who he is in the various photographs that we have around
the house, so picks she things up quietly.
She has got to an age where she has started asking more searching
questions about Fred so we will address those as they arise.

Since my last post Heidi and we have been joined by baby Wilfred
James, who was born on the 14 January 2011, weighing in at 9lb 10oz and as he
grows he bears many similarities to his late brother Fred. We chose the name
Wilf as it is a bit traditional, includes “Fred” in it and retains James as his
middle name. This relates to Rachel’s grandfather.

No doubt I will post another entry sometime soon, but as I
say, time flies all the quicker nowadays.

Yesterday would have been Fred’s third birthday.

We took an early trip up to Chagford, with the sun being rather bright and a heavy frost on the ground. We had a chat with Revd Gearing who conducted Fred’s funeral in May 2007, just as he was opening up the church.

He’d guessed it was an anniversary as we had a number of flowers to lay on his grave. Heidi mean while was pulling “Winston Churchill” faces at him. We trundled down to see Fred which is a bit difficult as the ground is uneven and Heidi’s pram isn’t really “terrain” at all.

The birds have been pinching moss of the grave, I suppose to build their little nests this time of year.

Once tidied up we headed off to Gran and Grandfer to say Hello, before driving down to South Petherton for the day to see Fred’s godmother, Frances. A lovely day with her, and Samuel and Daisy her two children, plus Shaun appeared too. I was a student with him many years ago in Newcastle and he’s now a nurse and who visited us whilst we lived in Bristol.

God bless you Freddie.

Over the Christmas break we visited Fred as we normally do, and I thought I'd post a photograph of his little headstone, taken on Boxing Day.

Thinking of you Freddie, on New Years Eve........ Daddy x

Today was a long, but lovely day, in that Rachel gave birth to Heidi Rachel Wills, weighing in at 8lb 8 1/2 oz. Born at Torbay Hospital at 1436h she shouted quite a bit. Heidi, not Rachel (who did really well of course).

It is sad in a way as I guess this will be the last time I ever put anything significant on here, as there isn't much to say really. I have though started a new 'blog just for Heidi as she desreves it I reckon: http://heidiwills.blogspot.com

Heidi will never meet her truly wonderful big brother. I am sure they would have looked after each other. I will maintain this 'blog as I don't want the hosts to think it is dormant in the future.

I wish you were with us Freddie, I really do.

Much love, your happy but very sad Daddy xxx

Today saw Rachel and I go to Torbay Hospital to see the registrar, anaesthetist and the midwife in preparation for tomorrows delivery.

We shall get there for 0800h and she is third on the list, so fingers crossed all will be well.

I'll probably do another post on this 'blog and see what happens.

Thanks

Today is the anniversary of when Freddie died, a year ago in Exeter.

We took a stroll to the Zoo as soon as it opened this morning and went to his little bench by the Gorillas and Orang Utans. The sun was shining and the apes were out on the island I thought enjoying the warmth. I think actually it was because they had all been locked out of their house whilst the keepers were inside sweeping up all their muck and empty banana skins.

We tied a little yellow rose to the bench, and because we were one of the first people in there, we spent a while quietly watching the apes and listening to the birds and monkeys.

Rachel and I thought about our beloved little boy and wished so much that he could have been with us. Sadly not.

Its been a quiet day today which is nice, very similar in weather to last year.

I won't do much more on this 'blog once baby is born, though I might add things just to make sure it does not appear dormant.

God bless you Freddie. x

Today Rachel and I visited Torbay Hospital to see the consultant about how baby is going to be born.

When Freddie was born he got stuck and was delivered by emergency caesarian and so at the time they suggested we would need to see if it were likely to happen again another time. After a chat with the consultant, he advised that a caesarian was probably the best option again, although this time we would do it by appointment....

So, all being well Rachel and I will head into the hospital on Tuesday 13 May and later meet a new little person. Baby may appear earlier of course (like Freddie who was nearly three weeks early) but we cannot do much about that anyway.

So hopefully all will go to plan.

Rachel perches on the bench

We had not seen the type of bench that the Zoo got for us, but it was made of sustainable materials and sourced in accordance with their conservation thinking.

It has been positioned overlooking the gorilla and orang utan islands, and faces our house which is 200 metres away. It was a lovely day and it was fairly quiet there. The bench is nice and sports a brass plaque, simply engraved “Precious Memories of Freddie Wills 19 March 2006 – 2 May 2007.”

It is a really nice quiet location that many people pass by. Whilst I was sitting on the bench Rachel noticed something rather strange. A few feet away, on the path sat a Peacock butterfly which was basking in the sun. It stayed there for a minute, enough time for me to get a close-up photograph, before fluttering off out of sight. Very strange. Those who have followed the ‘blog will have remembered the relevance of butterflies, as one appeared just after Fred died on the 2 May 2007. They have appeared in various situations since, even in the middle of winter.

As we set off back to the entrance a family came by and stopped and read the plaque. They noted that Freddie was just 13 months when he died, and went off explaining to their children, who were toddlers, what the bench was all about. Very sad in one way to hear strangers talking about our Fred in that way, but in another it was exactly why we wanted the bench.

Today would have been Frederick's second birthday. I remember who pleased we were two years ago when Fred arrived, and going to Sainsbury's to get some things we had forgotten.

I also whizzed over to Mothercare in Torquay to get a "Baby on Board" sticker for the car as I had always wanted one of them.

Last year we were in Ward 34 celebrating as best we could but until I knew all was clear it hung over us, the worry of what was to come, if anything. The staff got Fred some stuff and we received lots of cards, which went on the notice board in his cubicle.

This year, nothing. After getting up pottering Rachel and I decided to go out for a bit. We went to Paignton seafront and parked just by the place that we took Fred to on his first day at the beach. It was so hot then we had to keep him covered in sheets and parasols so he did not get to see the sun. It was too bright. My dad and his friend George popped over to see us as they were having a drink at the Club nearby.

Today the beach was empty except for a few dog walkers and pram pushers. And some seagulls.

We then went to the Zoo for a walk about. The bench is yet to arrive and I guess it must be imminent by now.

We received several messages during the day from well wishers, as well as some from the nurses at Bristol. That was nice.

Not much else happened other than Rachel and I met Hayley in town for some lunch and we headed home.

It is another day when we visit the midwife, over in Brixham. Today Emily came with us, as she is interested in getting into paediatric nursing or similar, so we hoped it may be of interest for her.

Rachels bloods, blood pressure and baby growth seems fine and again we heard baby's heartbeat on the doppler. The midwife gave another indication as to the baby's sex - a "train" sound if a boy and a "horse" if a girl. I am sure it is for entertainment value only.

Rachel is getting bigger now, and so I am stoking her up with soya beans, spinach, sprouts and Paignton cabbages, which she gratefully accepts (?)

Just under eight weeks to go now, and if Fred's arrival is anything to go by, it could be just over five weeks.

Yesterday we wandered the aisles of Mothercare and next week will enter the hallowed portals of Babies 'r' Us. Soon all Fred's stuff will be brought out and washed and dried. Conveniently our washing machine went to the "other side" today so that was helpful. Maybe Fred had a hand in making sure we got a new reliable one before baby arrives?

I am back in the office for just one day this week - tomorrow -and will then be off for another week using my annual leave up. A new leave-year approaches so I can take my time again with the new born.

On the 19 March, it would have been Fred's second birthday. Nearly a year ago, we celebrated on Ward 34 with a cake and presents from the staff, our relatives and others we did not know. Amazing how time and circumstance change.

Rachel and I are looking forward to meeting Fred's new brother or sister, and guess with more anniversaries approaching things will be a bit bumpy.

Not sure who reads this now, but it did its job during its time. The old site managed 110,000+ hits, and we only have 200 now. I am happy with that as we have nothing much more to say really but I enjoy updating this.

When baby is born I shall stop doing this one I think, and maybe do another on the we'un. Fred might feel a bit style-cramped I think.

Rachel and I had another visit to the midwife on Monday 25, this being 29 weeks I think. Again no possible problems evident other than R is a little larger but only by a tiny bit.

We had a few questions and will trot off to our next appointment, armed with a few more. Heard the heartbeat once again and that sounded alright.

We only live a few yards away from Paignton Zoo and have spent many an hour in there over the years, so became members some years ago. For the price of about three admission tickets you get all year round access to the zoo and get in free to other zoos such as Bristol and Newquay. Living so close means we can pop in for just a few minutes just for a wander when the weather is nice, or use the restaurant.

When we had to close Fred's savings accounts for tax reasons, we were having to think about where that money went. We did not want it to get consumed in our currents accounts so as to pay EDF or Council Tax, so put it aside for when we knew what to do with.

We approached the Zoo and asked whether we could have a memorial bench and plaque sited in the Zoo and their initial response is that they are asked this on many occasions and only do so if that person had an affinity with the Zoo or some connection. Luckily Fred lived some yards from the Zoo and we are Members too, so that was no problem, given that Fred would have been a regular customer anyway.

So that is sorted really, a bench is to go up near the Ape House and Lemur Wood and this overlooks the Gorilla and Orang Utan islands and lake. It is only 300 metres as the crow flies from our house, so is rather apt.

It will be one of the first benches in that area and is underneath the trees too, and I guess will be a stopping point for many a picnic by those using the Zoo.

It was nice to get a bench somewhere safe and a bit homely as some of the benches around here end up in the sea or used as firewood on the beaches by the local yoblets.

Once it is in position I will post a photograph.

We also have to arrange the headstone for Fred, and this is currently with the stone mason.

It is not that long until a year has passed since Fred was last with us, although we do get odd reminders of him quite unexpectedly. You may remember that just before Fred died a Red Admiral butterfly was hanging around the garden outside Fred's room at Exeter. I saw it, and noted you tend not to see as many butterflies around like when I was a child. A few minutes after Fred died, Rachel's mum June went outside and saw the butterfly.

Since then these butterflies turn up unexpectedly and we have seen more since Fred than in a long time. One was resting in the garage at home, one was found in the curtains at Rachels mum and dads and more recently one was flying around a charity shop in December looking for a way out on a very cold day.

My mum said recently that last year at around tea time a Red Admiral kept turning up to visit the herb bed, and did so for four or five evenings. Butterflies do not last live too long.

So next time you see a butterfly think of Fred.

It is Week 25 for Rachel and we had another visit to the ante-natal clinic in Brixham. All seems to be well in that respect and heard baby’s heart beat chugging away via the Doppler.

Took the day off today, as time can drift when waiting for an appointment at the hospital but we were in and out in fifteen minutes or so.

Rachel had a fair amount of work waiting for her at home so she headed back and I wandered in to town to get some fruit and veg, and go to the butcher.

The weather is rather crummy at the moment but it is nice to see the mornings and evenings getting lighter, so at least summer is on its way once more.

Went to the Civic Ball on Friday night, which was held at the Palace Hotel. As usual it is a great evening and the food and company excellent. The last time I went was in 2006 when Rachel was eight months pregnant with Freddie so she was not keen to go then. Again this year, late nights and alcohol are not on the menu for her, so I went with some colleagues. The four of us, Neil, Susanne and Sarah had a good night, though were probably amongst the youngest. Or they were.

No bad head in the morning either, so I must be getting sensible in my old age or more frugal at spending hotel wine prices.

Back to work tomorrow though. Rachel is behind me in the office typing yet another survey, which is good for her.

Yesterday Rachel went for her 20 week scan at Torbay Hospital. Luckily our appointment was first thing, so we were seen five minutes earlier than planned.

The scan looked good with some clear images seen. Baby wriggled about alot and we got to see arms and legs and most of the other bits. The scan photograph was a good side profile, so that is now in Rachels handbag.

Also present was Rachel's mum, June. Following the scan we headed to the Bay View Restaurant at the hospital for their fry-up for £1.99. All quite deja vu....

So the end of 2007 is about to arrive, and therefore Rachel and I wish everyone who we have come in to contact over the last year (and before) a very happy new year.

Hopefully 2008 will bring good things for everyone.

We are staying in tonight (as we usually do) and the curry will commence soon but we trust that those taking part in late night revelry later on will do so sensibly.....

Last year I was couped up in Cubicle 5 on Ward 34, trying to get some sleep when the three nurses came in to watch Big Ben and the crowds at midnight.

Best wishes to you all,

Tim and Rachel and Bump

Early this morning I woke up several times as the wind was pretty fierce around here, but by 0400h is seemed totally quite again. Peering out it must have cleared for a bit as I caught a glimpse of ‘plane overhead.

Today I do the sponsored abseil down Bristol Royal Children’s Hospital where we spent so much of our time with Freddie. I am doing the abseil with three others – Charlotte and Emily Rowe and Hannah Smith. All of are from Paignton.

Neither Rachel or I could sleep so we woke early and decided to get on our way. At 0645h we left home to set off up the M5 on a well worn path back to Bristol. This is the first time we have been back and I guess many memories and other things will get in the way. I am fairly happy to return though maybe Rachel is not so keen. Either way, we have signed up to the abseil so cannot back out now. It is nice for me that she is coming.

It is dark when we leave and the storm has started again. There is heavy rain on the motorway, with a lot of surface water about causing a lot of spray. Driving is not too bad though as there is little traffic about, but on the way we pass the remains of three accidents that must have happened overnight.

It thankfully clears by the time we arrive, which is about 0900h. Once we parked the car (last time we had passes so it was easy) we trundle down St Michaels Hill. We used to take Fred down this route occasionally but it is very steep and the old flags make the pavement rather tricky with a pram on a 45° incline.

We arrive at the entrance and see the CLIC Sargent team setting up. We have a chat with one of the girls and head off to the canteen.

We do this with trepidation, as it all exactly as it was eight months ago, although then we had Fred with us of course. Same porters on the front desk. Same old staff training posters in the lobby and the animated Wallace and Gromit machines look to be out of order again.

Up in the lift to Level 5 – where Ward 34 is and where the canteen lies. The canteen has only a short queue and the same staff are at the counter. Same prices too of course.

At the head of the queue is the ward sister for W34 – Kate. She looks rather surprised to see us finding a table and chair and so we have a quick hug and chat. She is off to a meeting… same old… Great to see her though. We tell her that Rachel is expecting so that is another good thing, and so she heads off whilst we chat to the canteen staff.

They seem pleased to see us again and remark that I must have eaten many breakfasts in my time there. Rachel, wisely, used to keep the fry ups to a reasonable amount per week.

It still tastes the same so that is comforting. They said they remembered coming in to Freddie’s cubicle on Halloween doing Trick or Treat on the kids. They were wearing their chef’s whites which are actually marked black and white like a Friesian cow. Of course Fred had his on too at time and I thought it was nice for them to remember that, so long long ago.

As the time of the abseil came we went back down to the foyer and met first with Hannah and her parents and sister. It was quite sheltered in that part of the hospital but to look up and see the edifice we looked at each day in a different light was a bit strange for me.

Next to arrive was Charlotte and Emily, with Dawn and Paul, followed by my mum and dad and brother. Wayne, Adam and Tim appeared immediately afterwards so the crowd was set.

At 1015h we went of offload our sponsorship forms and monies in the CLIC gazebo and to register. Once done we were kitted out with the harness and with all dangly bits removed from our clothing we had a quick briefing.

Once strapped into our webbing pants Charlotte decided she really needed the loo, although this was not to happen for a long while much to her discomfort. Even the instructor changed the subject so as to avoid unbuckling her again.

We went up in the lift and emerged on to Level 7 where the Bone Marrow Transplant ward is. We spent just over a month on that ward, and made the journey up the service stairs to the flat roof a little sombre for me.

At the top is a glazed “watch tower” type structure and we watched the other abseilers prepare to go over the top. This was not necessarily a good idea, but gave us a chuckle at their facial expressions before we realised we would be there in a few minutes.

The call came for Charlotte and I to come out onto the flat roof and so we did, where two other instructors waited. It was fairly blustery up there and it had started to spit with rain a little. It was going to be a long day for them as there were 104 scheduled to do this and nearly all will be inexperienced I guess.

There is a low parapet wall of about 18” where you sit on, with your back to the drop whilst they clip you in and run through the routine once again. It all sounds rather simple at the time – too simple.

Then its up on your feet and stand upright on the parapet wall. I am dreadful at heights really, but I tried to think that if it were only a 10 foot drop I should still feel calm.

Lean back, soles on the coping stone, and gradually I am at 10°, then 20°, then 45° I reckon. The tricky bit is the first step off the top so you are then on a flat wall. Whoever laid the bricks did not do a good job as the joints are quite wonky.

Once done I hung around for a few seconds whilst Charlotte came over the edge, and we bumped our way (fairly gracefully) down. As I did so I could recognise the colour of each floor level which was helpful, if not a little sad.
A bit of chaotic leg waving near the bottom and back down to dry land.

It was great to see mum and dad and Rachel there and so I quickly de-harnessed myself to enjoy the occasion a bit more now. Shortly afterwards Hannah appeared in to view, and then settled herself into position on the wall. A bit of a wait and Emily appeared at the edge and came down alongside her.

Again they came down and one point I thought they were racing each other.
Once all back on the ground it was a great feeling and that we had managed to raise somewhere in the region of £1500.00 for CLIC. Bargain.

We got our t-shirts and champagne as we had hit the fund raising targets and headed off into the foyer to disperse.

Rachel and I then went up to W34 where we met Kate, Jamie, Helen and Rachel who were working. It was nice to speak with them. A few new faces of staff too.

The ward looked to be full as usual and the familiar noises came back to us. The crying children; someone having an NG tube poked up their nose and the general “grotty feeling” sounds from the patients. We caught a glimpse of a few parents in their rooms, incarcerated like we were as some appeared to be barrier nursed because of infection.

This time we were looking in and they looked out, their lives on hold I suspect – wondering who we were and what all the jollity and noise was about.

The weather had cleared on the way back and so the journey was more relaxed than the one a few hours earlier. We got home and decided to have a spot of late lunch in the zoo which was good. It was quite with only a few cars, and only us at one stage in the restaurant.

Time for a bath now I think, as my arms are aching a bit.